Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Do you ever...

Maybe this doesn't happen to you...

and maybe typing this into the internets is supremely bad juju...

but sometimes my life is so good that I can't breathe.

Do you ever want to hold onto a moment that's so perfect that you can practically feel the cells of your body open up to take in more information---so you can download it internally and breathe it, live off of it forever?

{I realized I'd been talking at Ivan all day....not to him. We hadn't had a chance to really connect, look eachother in the eye. Just parallel schedules/necessities of the day. Work, house, baby tasks all pulling at us, and a few brisk but sincere, "I love you's!" tonight when everything quieted down and I got a chance to look at this amazing creature I married, it made me stop breathing for a minute. And time slowed down, as I scanned his features and tried to burn into my retina the exact curvature of his brow, the slope of his nose. Silly perhaps, but I really tried to put every cell on high alert for how my arms fit into his. So that if necessary I could pull back from muscle memory how it feels to be surrounded by him, and tucked in just so. Because, I have a feeling, I'm going to need that someday.}

The hospital bills, the laundry piles, the broken drywall, forgotten---put on the back burner.

And instead you are in. this. moment.

And you're terrified that it could all be taken away, tomorrow.

So you're equal parts worried to live completely present and to also fearful that if you don't turn this into muscle memory that you'll be sorry in the future when you don't have this 'happy place' completely memorized for when you really need it.

{ Arianna just woke up--- it's 10:45 and she's crying with the 'I had a bad nightmare' cry. My one year old is getting so big, and sweet and funny. I sneak into her room, and she crumples against me, as I lift her up. Huffs and snorts and sighs....,' All better. Mom has me now.' She's back to sleep within seconds, and I before I settle her back into her blankets I take one more look in the low lights, her eyelashes are making long stripes across her cheeks, and I kiss her nose. Take it all in brain cells. Remember every detail. }

And sometimes, my life is so supremely good I am paralyzed with fear that it will all come crashing down.

and then I remind myself that there's no guarantee that it won' just live.