This is what sent me down the rabbit hole of:
"I can't believe I'm this taking pictures of this. This is ridiculous. Why do I do this? How is this benefiting anything? This is so stupid, why do I even care? The light is all wrong! Guh, how can I be seriously worried about how the ice cream should melt? Why is there crap on the counter? Stupid lime in the photo. Shove that out of the way. Okay. Bad dish towel. This isn't working. I should just eat the stupid cake. There are some people in this world who don't even HAVE cake. Not to mention the luxury of taking pictures of their dessert. So stop fussing and eat it. OMG I can't eat this! I can't be happy! Somewhere people are DYING! Aaack!"
And then I shove it, unhappily in my mouth. Yes. Practically wolf it down with deep contempt for self, and don't allow myself to even enjoy the silky chocolate or the perfect paring of ice cold to bubbly hot, because THIS is my penance for being born in this hemisphere, and income bracket: Large thighs.
Welcome to crazy town.
Okay- Clue #1 that my uterus is ruling my brain- I'm eating lava cake.
Clue #2 I'm feeling guilty for things that aren't even in my control. When the universe is unfair, I must be unworthy of all I have, right?
I like things to be fair. And life isn't fair. "Life is pain highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something."
So, what? I have to apologize for living? For just happening to be afforded the opportunities I have? I can never be happy because other people aren't? I KNOW that's ridiculous.
Maybe though, I just needed to acknowledge for a moment that my pretty life is pretty. And cushy. And clean. And wanting to beautify my surroundings, to create, to capture is not being blind to the rest of it. It just means that this is my life right now. Maybe acknowledging that, and being grateful makes it little okay to be me.
I'm not blissfully ignorant. Just Blissful.
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