October is hard

"Hold on. Hold on to yourself. 'Cause this is gonna hurt like Hell."

Mom and I were chatting the other day about hard things. Life. Cancer. Death.  We got into the topic of what would you do if you found out you were terminal? Why this society has a fixation with denial, and fighting, pushing away death--often times to the point of unnecessary suffering for our selfish desires.   You can't know until you're there.   You can't know how you would react until then. Life is precious.        But this I know from hard experience:Cancer always wins. 

 
 Mom: And it doesn't have to be horrible.....

  it is just so hard....

  I guess I'll figure it out some day. 

me: cancer always wins

  and yet we have to try and fight it-because death is something to fight in this society

 I don't know how I would be if I got a diagnosis of metastatic cancer. 

 Mom: I think I would say, Okay....see ya later!

 me: would you want to try to do everything you could?

  to stall? 

 Mom: and be sick 

 me: and be sick

  and weak

  and bald? 

 Mom: and lose my hair and have mouth sores and diarrhea and be weak.... 

 me: or--not? 

Mom: and still die

  so... 

 me: RIGHT!

  so....

  Dancing for the Ghosts of Dead Mountains, 2000, Brian Kershisnik

Mom: I think I would say....let's go on a trip.

  and then have a great time.

  and sleep

  and eat

  and sing

  and listen to great music

  and be around my family

  and laugh 

  and then diewith everyone there who could take it. 

 Halo Repair, 2006, Brian Kershisnik

   me: I love you mom!

  Mom:I love you baby!

 I think if I had breast cancer and it was operable, I would do it.

  If I had to have radiation I would do it.

  If I had to have chemo....and they said it would be cured I would do it...

  If it was a pretty good chance...... or, if they said it will buy you time...

  I don't think I would. 

 me: We've seen it too many times 

Mom: so we can talk all about it, like we know....

  but really we don't...

  I THINK that is what I would do.

 me: but i like this option better

  even in the hypothetical 

 Mom: Kind of like deciding what you will do for your birth

 ...you have to go with what works at the time...and hope for the best..

 you can't really "decide" what you are going to do beforehand...until you are in that situation... 

 me: right

  there are factors

  that you don't see or feel until you're there *************************************************************    And it's true--my own ideas and preferences can't minimize anyone's journey with this--past or present.  No matter what, it's still hard.    And I'm still hurting inside for all my moms, aunties, sisters who are gone.