Can I be this for Halloween?

Picasso, I love you.

October is hard

"Hold on. Hold on to yourself. 'Cause this is gonna hurt like Hell."

Mom and I were chatting the other day about hard things. Life. Cancer. Death.  We got into the topic of what would you do if you found out you were terminal? Why this society has a fixation with denial, and fighting, pushing away death--often times to the point of unnecessary suffering for our selfish desires.   You can't know until you're there.   You can't know how you would react until then. Life is precious.        But this I know from hard experience:Cancer always wins. 

 
 Mom: And it doesn't have to be horrible.....

  it is just so hard....

  I guess I'll figure it out some day. 

me: cancer always wins

  and yet we have to try and fight it-because death is something to fight in this society

 I don't know how I would be if I got a diagnosis of metastatic cancer. 

 Mom: I think I would say, Okay....see ya later!

 me: would you want to try to do everything you could?

  to stall? 

 Mom: and be sick 

 me: and be sick

  and weak

  and bald? 

 Mom: and lose my hair and have mouth sores and diarrhea and be weak.... 

 me: or--not? 

Mom: and still die

  so... 

 me: RIGHT!

  so....

  Dancing for the Ghosts of Dead Mountains, 2000, Brian Kershisnik

Mom: I think I would say....let's go on a trip.

  and then have a great time.

  and sleep

  and eat

  and sing

  and listen to great music

  and be around my family

  and laugh 

  and then diewith everyone there who could take it. 

 Halo Repair, 2006, Brian Kershisnik

   me: I love you mom!

  Mom:I love you baby!

 I think if I had breast cancer and it was operable, I would do it.

  If I had to have radiation I would do it.

  If I had to have chemo....and they said it would be cured I would do it...

  If it was a pretty good chance...... or, if they said it will buy you time...

  I don't think I would. 

 me: We've seen it too many times 

Mom: so we can talk all about it, like we know....

  but really we don't...

  I THINK that is what I would do.

 me: but i like this option better

  even in the hypothetical 

 Mom: Kind of like deciding what you will do for your birth

 ...you have to go with what works at the time...and hope for the best..

 you can't really "decide" what you are going to do beforehand...until you are in that situation... 

 me: right

  there are factors

  that you don't see or feel until you're there *************************************************************    And it's true--my own ideas and preferences can't minimize anyone's journey with this--past or present.  No matter what, it's still hard.    And I'm still hurting inside for all my moms, aunties, sisters who are gone. 

Flapjack Fridays

 On certain Fridays, when the weather is warm, you might catch a glimpse of this...

and you might smell the grand creations heating up on the griddle. Tonight it was Lime Vanilla, Buttermilk Nutmeg, and Banana Chocolate chip pancakes. 

I rock at flapjacks. But I suck at frying up bacon.  

 I LOVE this 70's chandelier. The little house is so full of magic.

 The gazebo and the horse pasture tonight...

 Another great thing about Flapjack Friday is when friends show up with their guitars and play into the dark.

The nights will get too cold to keep the flapjack enchantment going through the winter. Someday when I'm a bazillionaire I will completely restore the old house. For now, the cracks in the ceiling and the broken glass in the windows makes it a summer residence.

October Adventure

Midway Utah

 Here's Amanda checking out the Wallsburg school, built in 1904.

 I FINALLY got to shoot Christine! Isn't she gorgeous?

 When will she learn that I WILL take her picture...and I WILL love it...and so will my camera!?!?!

 It was a great day of texture and light. Oh and incredible pizza...but I was too hungry to take pictures.

You can glare all you want, I'mma still take your pic. Ha!

 Look ma! It's the shire!

All in all, a pretty great day. It's supposed to SNOW this week--so I'm glad we got to be out in the sun.

She cracks me up!

 This is my cousin, she's 9 years old.  Thursday she got to sleep over, which meant, we went to the library in a huge thunderstorm, and got about 30 books, and three movies (The King and I, Into the Woods, and Slipper and the Rose). We made it through the best parts versions of the first two, and about half of the books. We made chocolate chip cookies, and we giggled and laughed at each other, and frowned at the dumb weather. You see, we were planning on hiking up to a waterfall this weekend, but...it's SNOWING in the mountains. Bummer. Maybe next time.

Here she is playing with my reflector.

Last week she said the nicest thing: "Kjirsten, when you get married and have kids, you're going to be the best mom, because you never yell". 

Ha ha! I hope I can be a good mom someday, and if I am, it'll be all thanks to the many moms in my life.

Speaking of Moms! My own Mum has been putting her garden to sleep, and posting about it. I got inspired today at the farmer's market, and so I wanted to roast up some veggies and make some caprese salad. I had a bunch of basil I need to cut and use up before the flakes start flying down here. I found my favorite farmers today, and they had a sweet deal on squash, so...

Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am! THIS is what 2 dollars of squash looks like. Hmm. Maybe you can't tell by the picture but this is a LARGE pan. Squash is so easy too! All it takes is a little olive oil and some sea salt, ohhhhh baby. 

Consider the giant pepper. Okay, I suck at showing proportions. These peppers are as big as my face. No joke.

I got too busy chopping after this, so I didn't take any more pictures, but the fridge is full of roasted veggies, (potatoes, yams, squash, beets, and red pepper) and a big tupper-ware of caprese.

Come over for dinner!